The rollercoaster of learning to kayak

By Lisa Dickinson

Photos:
Phil Bulkeley Photography,
Georgina Maxwell and
Jamie Greenhalgh

Enjoy the rollercoaster!
If you’d like to get in touch for a chat, ask a question or share your confidence story and what’s worked for you, feel free to drop a message to @AdventuringLisa on Instagram or Facebook or email: adventuringlisa@gmail.com. I’d love to understand more about what works for others as I try and support paddlers who are on a similar journey to what I’ve been on.

Lisa Dickinson

The rollercoaster of learning to kayak

Imagine being a whitewater kayak leader/coach having hated being in and around water? Well, that’s me. I started kayaking five years ago, I couldn’t swim, and the two things I hated in life were the cold and water. Not quite sure how I ended up as a whitewater kayaker!

Every time I’d go paddling, I’d struggle. I started getting anxious and nervous a few days before the trip. On the day, the anxiety took over my entire body. I wouldn’t be able to stomach food, I had an unsettled tummy, and I spent the whole time people would be doing the shuttle constantly heaving as if I was going to be sick and sometimes actually being sick. It was horrible! For some reason, I stuck it out. And I’m so glad I did. I’d often come off the water with a beaming smile, so I guess that made it worth it.

Now, with that in mind, it’s not been an easy journey, especially emotionally, to get to the stage of passing my whitewater leader assessment. But I know I’m not alone in that. Most of us struggle with our confidence at times. Many of us have experienced the rollercoaster of learning to roll or the emotional ups and downs of having amazing days and what feels like terrible days on the water. And it can be so frustrating. But it’s not something people often talk about, so we can often feel quite alone in that feeling. As a #ShePaddles ambassador, my goal is to talk about moments like that on the water, and it’s ok to feel that way.

Fast forward five years, and my world is so different. I still get nervous at times, don’t get me wrong, but my body responds in a much kinder way. I’ve built my confidence and experience enough that I don’t have the same level of fear I once did. I now look forward to paddling (who would have thought!) and miss it when I’m not doing it.

Over the last 18 months (after 3½ years of feeling like this), I decided to take control. I was fed up with feeling horrible every time I saw whitewater, and it was time I took ownership and did something about it. And I’ve gone from being a mess every time I’d get on the water to leading and coaching other people in those 18 months (with the considerable help of the people around me).

One of the common questions I get asked is how do you overcome those confidence battles and the rollercoaster of kayaking? So I thought I’d collate a checklist of items that have helped me and others I know, in the hope they might help you. None of them are rocket science, but maybe it will at least give you some ideas that might help you work out what’s right for you. I can’t thank my friends, coaches and the paddling community enough for their help and support on my journey! Don’t get me wrong, I still have a long way to go, but oh my, it feels good to be at the stage I am right now compared to where I was just that little while ago.

Knowing that I’m normal

It’s easy to feel like you’re the only one who goes through the head games and confidence battles. But be reassured you’re not! Whether people are willing to admit it or not, most of us have moments where we struggle, and it’s ok. Just know you’re not alone. The rollercoaster is real for many of us!

Paddle lots!

I fell into the routine of only making winter whitewater club trips once a month and then stopping for the summer because other things like climbing took over. Paddling regularly has helped me build my skills and, therefore, my confidence because I proved to myself I was capable of doing certain things. Plus, the bad days don’t seem bad when there are so many other good ones.
There’s so much you can learn on flat water!

After the first lockdown, we couldn’t travel far but could get out on some of our local rivers. It’s then when I realised, with the help of my coach Dan McGaley and coaching buddy Judy (as well as my friends Jon, Alex, Megan, Katherine, James and Joshua, amongst others), how much I could work on using the flat water and local weirs, that would put me in a fab place for whitewater paddling. We polished up our rolls, looked at support strokes, surfed the local weirs, and I even started doing a bit of playboating. When we got back to whitewater, I was a much stronger paddler for it. I’m hugely grateful for those summer flat water days.

You can’t beat some formal coaching.

My club has been fantastic at giving me the foundations of paddling. But, formal coaching helps you to get on the water more, hone those skills, learn new ones, try new rivers and paddle with people you wouldn’t usually paddle with. I’ve worked with several amazing coaches who have helped me on my journey. It can help you progress quicker, which also helps reduce frustration when you don’t feel like you’re moving in the right direction.

Get the right kit

I can’t tell you how much difference having the right kit has made. When I did my whitewater leader training, Chris Brain recommended the Ripper for me as it’s narrower and would suit a smaller, lighter paddler like me better than what I had previously. As well as making sure it was correctly outfitted, with the seat at the right height etc. As soon as I got in one, my paddling got so much better. My drysuit did wonders for my confidence too. It was nice knowing I would still be dry if I took a swim.

Have a goal to aim for

Sometimes it’s difficult getting the motivation to head out on a cold winter’s morning. My whitewater leader goal gave me a purpose for my paddling and specific areas to focus on. Before that, another goal was to try rolling every time I went over. I set that carefully because nothing is more depressing than failing to progress towards a goal. And behaviour is hard to change. The hardest step in learning to roll was trying, rather than just letting out a high pitch scream and pulling my deck before I’d even gone over. So that’s what I set my goal for rather than saying, “I will roll every time.” If I thought about trying to roll, even if I did pull my deck, that was a success! Set yourself realistic goals that give you something to aim for and celebrate the small successes.

Find some friends and mentors who encourage you.

I can’t thank my friends, coaches and mentors enough for all their help. They believed in me, showed me that progress was possible and provided a listening ear to rant or cry when things weren’t going so well. They were the ones that could be persuaded to go paddling no matter what and were willing to go that extra mile to help me out. Most of these came from my home club (Southend Canoe Club) and Lee Valley Paddlesports club. Others I met along the way when taking part in coaching or practising my leading. The more I got myself out paddling, the more I found, and I’ve made some fantastic new friends along the way.

Learn to roll

Now some may disagree with this, and that’s fine. I was told when I started kayaking to focus on my skills first before trying to roll. For some, that might be great but for me and my constant battles with confidence, learning to roll gave me a different level of head game freedom that I never expected. In all honesty, what I fear most in kayaking is the swim. And by being able to roll, it’s taken that fear away in most moderate whitewater environments. I wish I’d done it earlier and put more effort into it when I started, no matter how scared I was of going upside down.

Take baby steps that build rather than knock your confidence.

Sometimes it can be tempting to jump straight away onto that big feature that you’re not sure about. If I was to get it wrong, that could have a massive knock on my confidence. Taking small steps to build my skills and my confidence worked well. I spent many an hour being the official photographer for my friends at Serpents Tail before I felt ready to run it, and that was ok. And better for my confidence in the long run. I knew when it was the right time and nailed it (ish!).

Recognise what you’re good at.

This can be hard as we always have that monkey on our shoulder or imposter syndrome telling us we’re not as good as we are. Try and rationalise those thoughts by remembering what you have managed to achieve in the past. Use that as evidence to give you the confidence that you can also achieve that (and more) in the future. It’s often much easier to think about potential consequences rationally with that mindset.

Try something new every time you go out.

At the start of the 18 months, I’d always push myself to do something new (or others would give me the encouragement I needed without it feeling like peer pressure). It meant I was constantly stretching my comfort zone, and those little things all built up quickly to a massive jump in my overall paddling confidence.

Don’t be afraid to go back to basics.

I’ve been involved in coaching with people who are so determined to get a skill that they want to keep trying the same thing over and over. Sometimes, whilst it might feel like a backwards step, going back to playing with a paddle float or practising skills on less pushy water can work wonders. Sometimes, it’s good to go back to your comfort zone to practice and push your skills.

Know that other stuff can impact how we feel on the water too.
Who knew we had lives outside of paddling? But sometimes, that can also play a part in how we feel on the water. Recently I had to get off of the Upper Tryweryn because I was about to burst into tears and wasn’t feeling it. I paddled well, but my head wasn’t there because of other stuff. I decided not to force it and had the best lap later that day. It’s easy to blame it on your paddling skills, but it isn’t always that.

Now, as I’ve said, I still have my rollercoaster journeys as I start to push my grade and try harder and different things. This stuff didn’t ‘fix me’ – I wasn’t broken to start with. I’ve learnt that the rollercoaster is a part of paddling growth and progression, and I understand that now.

These things have helped me build my skills and confidence to a point where I can sit back and enjoy the ride! I still have to fight the imposter syndrome and ignore the monkey on my shoulder at times. But doing these things have put me in the best possible place to understand why I’m feeling the way I’m feeling, rationalise it as being ok, and find ways to overcome it.